For those of you who are still wringing your hands over the crazy outcome of the 2016 electoral contests, I thought I would select ten excellent candidates from the world of art that could finally set things straight. Below are the candidates with strength and weakness listed for you. Just be sure to squint, vote, and start over as often as you like.
Strength: He is big on the environment and has a proven record of being able to get up early. He is also a committed atheist, hates collectors, and stupid people. New York, California would be in the bag.
Weakness: He is obsessed with “surrendering,” “rendering his feelings,” and destroys much of what he creates.
Strength: He is very good at provoking the bourgeoisie.
Weakness: He comes from money and is big on sincerity. Not good in the year of outsiders and con men.
Vincent Van Gogh
Strength: He wants “to show what is in the heart of the lowest of the low.” He would have great appeal to the working class.
Weakness: He’s not great on gun control.
Strength: He has unsurpassed ability to suck up to and then maneuver past the rich and powerful types.
Weakness: He is absolutely shitty in his chosen profession.
Strength: He has the ability to speak with mountains, apples, and coffee cups. This could help him in West Virginia.
Weakness: He has an intense phobia about being touched. He wouldn’t be good at the rope line.
Strength: Reads books, is a card-carrying anarchist, atheist, and is hostile to all centers of power.
Weakness: He is a flip-flopper in his chosen profession.
Strength: He is able to play jokes on the ruling class that they never get.
Weakness: He bores easily and thinks shocking people is a big deal. He’d be weak in the fly-over states.
Strength: She is clearly superior to most men in her chosen profession. She lives above the glass ceiling.
Weakness: She has a serious longevity problem.
Strength: He has an unrivaled capacity to stretch time.
Weakness: He is a nut case fascist.
Strength: She can’t draw a lick but somehow became a Royal Academician of the Royal Academy of Arts. Her talent at defrauding people will make her a favorite with Wall St.
Weakness: She has a habit of confessing everything.
None of the Above
It is always appropriate to have “None of the Above” as an option in every election. Should “None of the Above” win a plurality or more, our Electors have agreed to install Rex the Wonder Dog as president. After all, he has been faithfully waiting for decades and he believes, at any rate, that this is his turn.